When people make mistakes towards you
you have two choices you can be mad and hold a grudge or you can let go and give it to God staying mad is going to hurt you more than them Its like a poison in your heart. Eating you from the inside out. And hardening your heart where all you can feel is anger The other choice is to truly let go of your anger Give it to God. When this happens you will feel a lot of emotions other than anger. You may feel sad, confused, hurt, you may even feel absolutely fine. (It really depends on your situation). But at the root of those feelings. There is a peace from God that cannot be shaken. And that peace alone is worth giving up your anger. It’s a tough choice and may take some time to give your anger fully to God. To fully give Him your anger, you have to forgive. Truly forgive. Just to be clear, you can forgive a person and still set boundaries. Just because you forgive doesn’t mean you have to a doormat. That forgiveness, little bit by little bit is so freeing! And the best way to begin forgiving someone (even if it is forgiving yourself) is to pray for whomever it is you need to forgive. So what choice are you going to make? God's Word is truly amazing.
Sometimes it feels like He wrote versus just for what I need today! Or that He is talking RIGHT to me! And when the Word hits you like that. There is something that just happens in your heart. A peace. The deepest most sure peace you could ever have. Knowing that God is there. He knows what you are going through. And He has a message for YOU to help you through whatever! Are you really sad? "The joy of the Lord is your strength!" Are you discouraged? "Come to Me all who are weary, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28 Are you confused? " For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord." He has an answer to every question we have. He has comfort when we need it. He is there to celebrate when we have a celebration. the Bible talks about celebrations ALL the time! God's Word is not just for when you are having difficulties. It's there for every day and moment of your life. I take comfort in knowing my God cares. I pray that you take comfort in that knowledge as well. God really is so good to us. He is an amazing Heavenly Father. Our problems are so tiny in His eyes. Yet, He cares about what we care about! No matter how little or "insignificant" it is. He cares. I think that is what astounds me most about God. How He cares for everyone. I mean that's a LOT of issues to deal with. Yet he cares about each problem. He never says, "pfft, THATS what you are concerned about?! Are you kidding me?!" NOPE Instead He says, "Hey. I'm here. Talk to me." Wow. God is just so good! God wants to adopt you into his family. He wants to be there for you. All you have to do is ask Jesus. That's it. Just ask Jesus into your heart. Give Him every worry, every care. Truly give it to Him. And that peace will fill where those worries were. Trust in The Lord. For He is good. His Mercy's endure forever. I don't know if you read these anymore.
I hope you do. If you do. I just wanted to say "Hi! How ya doin' Goob?!" The last time I wrote was on the 18th of March.
I was sitting in the living room Eating peanut butter toast on fancy cinnamon bread Drinking chocolate almond milk Enjoying the early morning feels Waiting for my daughter to decide to make her appearance. Well. That day (after a nap) I had a doctor's appointment My husband and I get there and we were told "Sorry. Your husband can't go in with you." Now this is frustrating because I like having spousal support. And he asks the questions I forget to ask. But we understood because of the Corona Virus. So I go in and my blood pressure (for about the 4th check up) is SUPER high. I am talking 150/98 high. Which is dangerously high. So my nurse walks out calmly after saying "I'll be back." As soon as the door closed I heard her yelling for my OB. At this point my husband had messaged the family group chat. Updating them on the situation and sharing his frustrations. I then update them that things weren't going well. My OB walks in and says, "Looks like you are done being pregnant" So we discuss me being induced. We schedule it for THAT NIGHT. So in the family group chat I say, "We're having a baby today" I was honestly surprised that I didn't go downstairs to find a corpse that was once my husband. Although he was very pale and had a lot of nervous and excited energy. We rush through the few last things we need to prepare for baby, we pick up snacks because we were informed he COULD come in with me, but he couldn't leave without risking not being allowed to come in. Seriously, we were so happy he could come with me. We figured out things for the dog. And we packed as we were told it could take a few days for her to come out. We get there. And I get induced into labor. I was in labor for a total of 45 hours. On Thursday I was super high. They gave me pain med as the contractions got worse. My water broke at the same time another girl who was walking down the hall to a room's water broke right after the girl next doors baby was born right after the lady down the hall's baby was born. It was a wild night for the nurses. Anywho. Thursday and Friday I was drugged up. With pain drugs and then an epidural. My husband was a champ. I literally could not have done it without him. He was such great help and support. We watched A LOT of Avatar: The Last Airbender. When it came time to push. It only took 30 minutes and then I was holding my baby girl. Guys. Word scan not express the emotions that welled up in me as they laid my daughter on my chest. This love and amazement and awe and relief and so much more as her head cuddled into me. I never knew I could love so deeply. It was an amazing experience. Now I am currently a stay at home mom and loving every minute of it. I am soaking up the snuggles and loving her little chirps and her attempts at talking with us. (though she is only 2 weeks old.) I adore this little human and I can't but help to think that somehow on that still calm morning, I just KNEW deep down I'd get to meet her that day. She's going to grow up too fast. As I sit here eating my cinnamon streusel breakfast toast with peanut butter(Because that was the only reasonably priced bread available, much to my excitement) and listen to the rain fall gently outside, I find this morning to be a very peaceful one. (Not to mention the fact I am up before nine because I WANT to be in quite astonishing! It is LITERALLY 7 am)
There is so much uncertainty right now with jobs and illness and everything really. Yet, as I sit here eating my toast that reminds me of mornings at Grandma Margaret's house, I am finding God is bringing his blessings of this past week to my mind. For one, I have learned that I have work FOMO. I really really do and I have been placed on medical house arrest (okay dramatic an all but its how I FEEL). And they've shut down. Which I could let scare me OR I can take that as a guilt free time to sit at home and write. I went to target and met some truly lovely people. And God saved me food He knew I was wanting. Like taquitos! He saved me one box of taquitos! (The chicken and cheese kind AKA THE ONLY GOOD ONES). And even though the milk section was cleared out, He had saved some Almond Milk! There could have been only soy or nothing, but he saved me my favorite kind of Almond milk that I normally do not allow myself to buy because of price. HE IS SO GOOD! Even though I am frustrated my daughter doesn't seem to want to be born anytime soon (even though her scheduled eviction is in like 9 days away) I am enjoying the quiet with my husband. I know this early morning blog is a bit scattered but here is what I am trying to say. There are SO many reasons I could be anxious or afraid or angry or worried or annoyed. And there are times that DOES creep in. But there are so many things beyond those feelings. God has not given up on his children. He really hasn't. He is with us in the dark times. The sick times. The uncertain times. The good times. The quiet times The loud times. And the precious few times you get up early to enjoy toast and cuddles with your puppy curled up on the couch listening to the rain bring in a new day. Don't let fear control you. Be calm and trust God. Enjoy the time you have, guilt-free, to spend with your families. Enjoy the slowness of life in the midst of a busy world. Do a puzzle Read that book you've set aside. DO YOUR WORK FROM HOME IN YOUR PAJAMAS! Live life how we were wishing to live life while we were busy. Time is precious and we now HAVE time to spend doing things we like with people we love. (Even it is limited to stuff at home.) Be crafty and artsy. Try that new video game that's been sitting on your shelf for six months because you had "too much to do" and didn't feel like you could actually spend time to play it! Color in a coloring book. Live life like we did on a Saturday morning back in the nineties to early 2000's. Eat dry cereal while you watch reruns of the Animaniacs on Hulu. Enjoy this slow time God has given us. Turst him to provide ALL your needs. Band together with friends and families and help each other out. Fear is deadly. Don't let it consume you or control you. Be safe you guys. Trust God. I will talk to you all soon! We all have a choice right now.
We can take to social media and get mad at people's opinions of the situation. OR We can take to social media and start posting tips and tricks for those who are in need. I started out in the first category. I was cranky and irritable at things... but then I realized. We have the opportunity to be neighbors with those who are 100's of miles away! For example on Buzzfeed I posted a comment about how my mom told me milk can be frozen and it started a really helpful and informative thread about how to freeze dairy. (And which dairy should not be frozen.) Then I was able to list out some good sites for those who are now having to homeschool their kids for a few weeks and have been able to share information about free programs and such for my friends with school age kids. Next, I was able to learn how to make home-made formula and am able to now share that knowledge! We can let fear and anger consume us. Or we can do what humans do best and band together and help one another. I for one like the world a little better when we all work together. So yesterday I had a doctor's appointment.
The usual. But it WASN'T the usual. Last week I divulged some concerns and they were brushed aside. This week those concerns were back stronger than ever. So after expressing my concern, a lot, I finally was sent to the Pregnancy ER. (High blood pressure and ridiculous weight gain) They laid me on a bed and everything went back to normal. I asked if I could walk around and then if we could check it my blood pressure and see if that is the cause. I was told no. Why? Because then they can't prove I DON'T have preeclampsia. Now. Correct me if I am wrong. But wouldn't it better to explore ALL the options just to be safe rather than just NOT want to to NOT prove it? Anyways I was quite cranky because I want my baby to be okay. So now I am on "moderate" bedrest because they deemed me fine. And by moderate I mean I am allowed "normal" activities EXCEPT lifting anything larger than 10 pounds, going for walks, vacuuming, doing laundry, going to work, deep cleaning, working on the nursery, and like no stairs. But I am allowed to walk around the house. Occasionally. You know. Because I am fine. So now I have a follow up on Monday. I slept all day today (accidentally) And I can't even do my frustrated deep cleaining because I was told not to. And the last thing I want to do is hurt my daughter because I am frustrated. Yesterday I was having a rough day.
My anxiety was high. I felt selfish because I know I am focusing more on baby and my needs. I felt cranky and irritable for lots of dumb reasons. And do you know what my husband did? He talked to me. We talked about things in our marriage. I shared the deep, dark, and secret thoughts I've been having during the pregnancy. And he just listened and loved me. And held me. He assured me when I stated my fears. He assured me when I stated my doubts. He trusted me enough to share his fears He trusted me enough to share his feelings. I know a lot of people don't feel marriage is necessary anymore. But there is such a deep level of intimacy that is more than skin to skin contact that comes with marriage. There is an emotional intimacy that binds us as well. Things we would NEVER tell another human soul we tell each other. I know he has made a life long commitment to me and he is not just going to say, "I don't like these feelings of yous" and leave me. He is going to work with me. He is going to love me. Marriage comes with a promise. I know many people don't understand the DEPTH of that promise and marriages are tossed around like they are nothing. But when you go into a marriage with the serious and life long intent to keep this covenant with each other and with God... It is so beautiful. It is so meaningful. It brings so much peace and reassurance. God made marriage. He made it VERY good. One of the wisest things I have ever been told is to worry less about how your spouse folds the towels, and enjoy the time spent with them.
See. Her husband died so unexpectedly while they were eating pie. One minute they were talking. The next he was gone. It is one of the most heartbreaking stories I have ever been told. She would tell me she wishes she could take back all the times she got mad at how he folded the towels and replace them with thankfulness that he DID in fact fold the towels. Every time the-male-whom-I-am-fond-of does laundry I think of this. It is so easy to let my A-Type personality bleed through and micromanage him. But instead I sit there and am just so thankful he is willing to help. Do I go back and fix a few things so they fit in our drawers? Yeah. Because we don't have a TON of space and things need to fit. But do I love that is SO willing to help me? Yes. Yes I do. I adore it! I have had to learn to change my tone from nagging to learn how to lovingly remind my husband why it is important to wash certain clothes a certain way. And I fear that it came off as nagging, I apologize and tell him I am not trying to nag him. That usually smoothes over any tension he may have had. Life is too short to get upset that the dishes move spots or that he has THREE different ways to fold a towel. (Not even exaggerating! I counted!) I told him I didn't care which one he picked, but he had to pick ONE because otherwise the towel stacks fall over in the closet! LOL He is so helpful and I there is so much I want to do to show him I loved him. I am struggling right now with the whole having energy enough to do anything. And being emotional doesn't help. I love and appreciate my husband more than I could ever ever ever explain in words. He is the love of my life. The male whom I am fond of. The male who I will always be fond of. My best friend. Gosh I am so blessed! 18 more days until my due date...
you read that right. 18. HOW?! JUST HOW?!?!?!?!? I don't think she will last the full 18. I've started getting the "GETTING THERE" symptoms. I am excited. Don't get me wrong! I am terrified. But also excited. I am getting a glider chair! I am stoked! I feel like it could happen this week. There is rain and storms and a full moon All perfect conditions for a baby! I honestly feel like it could happen today. But not getting my hopes TOO high. I am 37 weeks pregnant.
No one told me how anxious I would feel How many emotions get jumbled How much I just want to cry How many mixed feelings I would get when reaching this point No one told me. All I had heard was how "magical" pregnancy is. How wonderful they felt. I literally did not know the downsides until I got pregnant myself. My anxiety has peaked. I wonder if I can even do anything right. I wonder if people are sick of me I wonder if I am ever going to get my body and mind back to where they were It's all so terrifying. My emotions are on full throttle. I cried for 20 minutes because of disappointing crab rangoons Which I had been craving for days And then I cried because I was crying about food Then I was crying because of the crying And before I knew it I was sobbing uncontrollably because I was mad at myself for being so emotional. Today I was really struggling to maintain patience with 3-5 year olds. It's not their fault I am cranky. It's not their fault they act like preschoolers (Cause they are) And I was just getting really annoyed. I am terrified to have this kid. I am scared of the pain. I am scared of being a mom I am scared of the changes I am scared my husband and I will forget about each other I am scared of what my kid will be like I am scared So scared I am also excited I am excited to meet this thing that I've grown I am excited to hold her I am excited to get to know her I am excited to dress her in cute clothes and dote on her I am excited to see how her and my husband's relationship grows I am excited to see how me and my husband can grow closer And I am so ready to have her out. I feel selfish because I have so little energy. I don't want people over. I don't want to go do things. And I feel selfish. I am told by other moms not to feel selfish That these feelings are normal I am told they are impressed I am still working at this point They tell me I have every reason to not want to do too much I am so blessed about who I have around me. No one has mom shamed me for being active Or doing what I do. They have been SO supportive! Pregnancy is hard. And these last few weeks are flying by but also moving so slow I know any day now my daughter can make her grand appearance And I am so ready for her to come out I love her to pieces I also just need her OUT. But I know that day is coming all too soon. And time is never going to be slow again.. So I will treasure my moments with her. No matter how frustrated and annoyed I get with her. She will be grown much too quickly for my liking! So I've gone into full-blown nesting mode.
Never before have I wanted things to be so perfect than I do for my daughter. Usually I will clean to uncluttered and undusty and ya know.. clean. BUT NOW It's like I have to BLEACH things and organize and reorganize and it's insane. My husband is a champion. He has been putting up with me getting frustrated because it feels never ending. It feels like I am doing the cha-cha. Two steps forward one step back AND GOODNESS WHERE DID THAT STUPID PILE COME FROM?! And I don't feel like I am in control of much And I am so tired And I have so much to do on this never ending list. Now, I am sure you are thinking "Why doesn't your hubs help?!" The answer is. He does. A lot. The truth is I should probably give him more to do and I know he asks what he can do. It's just. I know I am so particular right now. I would rather be mad at me, then mad at him because it isn't quite right. We have less than 50 days before we are getting a baby and I am FREAKING OUT MAN! I am going to be a mom. He is going to be a dad. And somedays I have a list that is SO LONG and I can't move. I am so tired So overwhelmed I have to get the apartment ready for the baby shower. I keep getting caught up in the silly details. And it's just... Crazy. I heard this is the easiest part of parenthood. But it's hard because I don't know what to expect. I am finding myself with a shorter fuse. And it isn't fair to the male-whom-I-am-fond of. Tonight he gets to hang out with his friends. And I am happy he doesn't have to be around me. Not because I don't want him close, but because I know I am a LOT to deal with right now. He is fabulous. As always. I am officially 8 months pregnant!
On the bright side I am SO close to holding my baby! On the down side, these next two months actually equal like 10 years. There are a lot of changes in our life. I am trying for a full-time job. Zac is assistant manager at his job. While ALSO looking for a job in his career. We are working on the nursery. I am free-lancing and actually doing pretty good! I finally set up our bedroom. It looks really nice and helps me feel more put together. We are really trying to be functional adults. We painted some pottery. That was fun. I always forget how cathartic pottery painting is. I know this post doesn't really have a rhyme or rhythm. It is currently 2:06 AM. As in... 2 hours until the unholy hour (4 am). I am SO tired, but am having that weird thing where you can BE tired... but not sleepy. I think I had too much caffeine today. I know. I know. I know. "Caffeine isn't good for a prego lady!" You know what else isn't good for a prego lady? Migraines. Not even caffeine headaches, just plain old migraines. I can't actually take the only medicine that is allowed for prego ladies... Nope. So there is literally nothing I can take for them. Except caffeine. "Why don't you see a doc?!" I have. I have had these migraines for a few months. Also. My daughter likes Coca-Cola. She is definitely my girl! Sometimes I just CRAVE it. Ok. For those of you who don't know. Pregnancy cravings are like 89% worse than period cravings. Like. Period cravings are pretty bad. But pregnancy cravings are just inexplicably worse! One night I woke up in the middle of the night and woke up my husband up to inform him that i required crab meat. I also informed him I would be purchasing crab meat the next day. I wanted it so bad. Another thing that is worse. Hormones. Period hormones and emotions SUCK But pregnancy hormones are their own beast. Seriously. There are times I am having some sort of emotional kerfuffle. And on the outside I am a mess. On the inside I am standing back with my arms crossed annoyed at myself because I realize I am being COMPLETELY irrational. Like. Yes. I know I am being SUPER irrational about the fact that FREAKING TACO BELL HAS GOTTEN RID OF EVERYTHING I HAVE BEEN CRAVING LIKE RIGHT BEFORE WE GO TO GO GET! I KNOW THAT ME ALMOST CRYING OVER THE FACT THAT CERTAIN THINGS ARE NO MORE IS DUMB! However. I see your judgement and I can ASSURE you I am judging me harder than you are judging me. But on the same hand. FREAKING TACO BELL. Also. I am boycotting stupid things Like a VERY SPECIFIC McDonalds. Just because they no longer sell hashbrowns nor do they let me buy a cup of mac sauce. This SEEMS ridiculous until you realize that you have a pregnancy craving of Mac Sauce. With french fries. Like I said. Irrational. I know. Sometimes pregnancy is hard because I KNOW the calender says I have only been pregnant for 8 months. But I swear, it's been like 7 years. And there is this niggling that... this is just how it is going to be. That the weight I gained will never go away. That I will forevermore be an irrational emotional mess. That the ways things are NOW at this moment... aren't going to go back to "normal" And yeah. I know. A baby changes things.... I get that. I do. It's just I am more insecure lately than I have been in a LONG time. I have more mood swings and I hate them. I am more snippy and short tempered. I get annoyed with my hubs for silly things. Things that normally don't bother me. I get annoyed at myself more often. I feel lazy because right now I just feel like a beached whale and moving is sometimes really hard and I am just always really tired. I have been informed I will "definitely have a second child" But honestly. I don't want to be pregnant again. It is really hard on the marriage. Think about it. My husband has to deal with all these new insecurities of mine He has to deal with my mood swings He has to pick up all the things I feel like I am dropping And sometimes I know my insecurities cause him to have insecurities too. It has really tested our relationship. Which I guess is a good thing? But it's still really hard. And it's hard to share these thoughts with people because I just get the rebuttal of "Pregnancy is magical." and "It's so short just enjoy it while you can!" And yeah. This time period is amazing. I love the personality my kid already shows. It's fun to watch my belly move. And it's really nice to get spoiled by people. I know that won't last. But at the same time. I want my baby out. In my arms. Cuddling with me. I want to see her sweet little face. I want to be able to just HOLD her. I also want my boobs to shrink back down. I want my muscles back I want to work out and feel the deliciousness of sore muscles the next day. I want to see the muscle tone and hard work I want to climb and dance and do my abs. I love doing those things. I'd really love to be able to walk without getting short winded. For being so athletic. I certainly don't feel it right now! I know I am oging to love my daughter so much more than I can imagine. Because I already love her more than I ever thought possible Pregnancy is hard. It's so hard. And I am terrified of labor. But I cannot wait to hold my girl. That is my silver lining right now. Hello readers.
So I am just about 30 weeks pregnant. I am at that final stretch. To be 100% honest, it sucks. My back hurts My hips hurts My ribs hurt. Yes. My ribs. My darling daughter has lodged her feet into my ribs. It is SO hard to look in a mirror. I am told for a 7 month prego lady I look GREAT. And I acknowledge I am smaller than most 7 month prego ladies But when I look in the mirror... I just feel like I look like Jabba the Hut. Except cuter and better hair. I am told my face isn't chubby. But for me... it is. My husband calls it normal. I am emotional. I can't work under pressure. And that's hard because that was a star point on my resume "Works well under pressure" Now I just stand there and cry because I CANNOT FUNCTION Being pregnant is humbling. Knowing I weigh more than I have EVER weighed in my life Yet my husband looking at me with this incomprehensible depth of love... and telling me "Oh my goodness. You are SO sexy." "Wow. You are just.... beautiful." "I married a GORGEOUS person!" And it's just. It's nice to hear. Sometimes hard to accept. But it is nice to hear. He has put up with my tears. My irrational anger towards situations. My annoyance and lack of humor Like a champ. I know it is hard on him. It's hard not having a full time job My husband is providign for us and he blows me away with his determination and ease. I am glad I have him by my side during this pregnancy. I couldn't do it without him (Couldn't have had a kid without him either if you know what I mean!!!) Pregnancy is hard. Feeling my child is amazing. Knowing I am going to hold her in a month and a half is astounding (And terrifying.) That part is AMAZING The other stuff is so hard. So humbling. So much bigger than I thought it would be. I cannot wait to meet my sweet girl. Being pregnant is really really hard. Everything is weird and changing. There are those ladies out there who just ROCK the pregnancy thing and look great and feel great. Then there is everyone else. I am in the everyone else category. Being pregnant is hard. It is exhausting. You are litterally growing a human.... IN YOUR BODY! It's so alien and weird. It affects your emotions. Your energy. Everything. Somedays I am so tired I can't move off the couch. Granted, I am still working. And my job is really active. I think the worst part is the emotions. It just makes everything BIGGER. I often have a shorter temper. I feel like there is very little I can control in my world. I cry. A lot. it's rough. It's hard watching myself grow as a pregnant women. When I say grow, I mean my belly. It took a long time to get comfortable in my body. And now I have this rotund belly that wiggles as my baby girl kicks. I love watching the kicking. But the whole, feeling like a whale. Or rather the Grinch in the picture below... Is hard. I have cried because my husband unloaded the dishwasher
I have cried because he ate my cake. I got mad cause he ate my homemade stuffing with lime flavored chips. I have cried because my belly popped and I can't fit my normal clothes anymore. I have cried just to cry. CRYING IS REAL MAN! Anyways. I am having a girl. She is going to be precious. I can't wait to hold her in my arms. I work with toddlers and preschoolers pretty much all day!
Something I have noticed about this age versus like... older kids and adults. Little kids laugh and smile ALOT. I mean. Silly things are just the MOST HILARIOUS Did you do something that adults would consider mundane if they did it? The kid will cheer and hoot and high five. (Ex: Holding onto the ladder with ONE hand! IMPRESSIVE!!!) They are so proud of their accomplishments! it's so refreshing to be around. I didn't want to work with kids, but I am glad that I do. My life is a bit more simple. I love it. Where did we lose our joy for life? Where did we lose our sense of simple accomplishment? Where did we lose the wonder for the little things? Why do we think that to grow up we have to lose the things that help make the world shiny? Yeah life is hard. But have you ever watched a toddler? They hit a bump in their road. They get really mad. Suddenly. Out of the blue they get distracted by something good. And they move on from the problem? Why do adults feel like we have to hold onto that bump even after it's resolved? These tiny little humans may not have it all figured out. But they are happy. They are fun to be around. Everything is an adventure if you look at it from the right angle! Scared of climbing high?! That's no longer a tall ladder attached to the wall. It is now a mountain where you must defeat the spider queen and save all of humanity! I think I was starting to forget how magical life is. These precocious little raggamuffins are teaching me to find the utter excitement in life. I think we all need to spend sometime with the little humans. Just so that we can remember how magical life was. I know some people grew up in rough situations. Some of the kids I teach don't have ideal home lives either. But they still smile daily. Smiling is important. This summer WHIPPED past my hubs and I like no one's business!
Here are some highlights: - I had a birthday - We went to Worlds Of Fun for a short Stay-cation - We got jobs! - I have a dream job! (Dance instructor and gymnastics coach) - We are trying to buy a house - We are pregnant - My grandfather died - I started playing Skyrim again. So A LOT has happened! That's right. You read that right. WE ARE PREGNANT! WE ARE GOING TO HAVE A BABY!!!!!! A CHILD! I am so excited. Sometimes it is super real and other times it is not! We have names picked out and everything! That's actually why we are actively trying to buy a house! More on that after we get our house! It's really trippy and wonderful to see the little being moving around and seeing how much personality this fetus already has! Really. This kid has a HUGE personality already and I love it! I can't wait to find out the gender (I have 6 more weeks) I can't wait to meet the sweet being! It's just so exciting. Nothing will make you feel more like an adult except for realizing a small person will consider you the ultimate adult in their life! That and the realization your new life goal is to not only keep this tiny human alive, but make sure it ends up being a decent human! No pressure though! We also got a couch! A real one! We had my husbands futon that had previously been broke like three times... and one of his friends broke the support on the bottom unintentionally. (He has big friends). So now, I have a couch! It's so incredibly exciting! We are almost full functioning adults! Some days are fake it til you make it days, but others are truly like, "Yeah look at me adulting and succeeding!" I am sorry I haven't written very much. That pregnancy tired is a VERY real thing. Even now, though I have done very little all day, I just want to curl up, listen to the rain, and watch some good tv. I think I just might do that! Hopefully talk to you all soon! I am done teaching. Just in case you weren't aware.
I don't have to lesson plan for school this summer! I don't have to do any summer professional development I don't have to worry about what room I'm in or preparing everything for that room! I am free! So Free!!! I was depressed Cranky Irritable Hazy AND NOW I AM NOT! I am laughing and giggling and just all around in a much better mood! I feel young again! I no longer feel like I'm forty! And though this freedom comes with it's own challenges... It's so nice to not have to worry about Teaching! For now I am planning Children's Church Events and dancing, and doing my side gigs, and trying to find a job! It's a wonderful wonderful feeling! Even my husband is like, "It's so nice to see you again!" Now we are just waiting for God to reveal where we are to go next! We have the whole world and our whole lives in front of us! But. We want to go where God want's us to go! So we are waiting. I am allowing myself to use this limbo time to heal and bounce back. It's refreshing. Not really rushing anywhere. Getting to spend quality time with God. And helping spoil my husband. It's wonderful. Vacations (and in my case, stay-cations) are a wonderful and much needed thing. It's like a mental nap that God has given me! And naps are important! They are in the Bible! One time the prophet Elijah was cranky and was like, "It's not worth it God. Just take me now!" And God was all, "Here. Eat this food and take a nap." And after Elijah woke up he was all, "I feel better, thanks." And decided humanity wasn't so bad after all! So yeah. Times of rest are very important. Even God rested on the 7th day! So take sometime and rest. It's biblical! This week is Monster Teacher Week!
I have to do a shout out to my husband. Right now is probably one of the most stressful times in the year for a teacher. The reality of grades is hitting both students and parents, and as it is the last week of school, naturally everyone is last ditch efforting to get those grades boosted to an A! As a teacher, I have to say I married the best person. Some days after school I just go home and flop and can't move for a period of time just because I am so tired. And he flops with me. Asking how my day went, listening to me vent about "why on Earth have they decided to care NOW? LIKE! Couldn't they have cared EARLIER!?" sort of existential teacher questions. Or starts venting about stupid things that happen at school, "I am a firm believer there are no stupid questions, but they are REALLY pushing that philosophy! They KNOW what a pencil is!" Or venting about school works, "Wow. That was probably the dumbest answer yet... nope. Nope. This other student beat them. Here read this!" And he just loves me through it all. And through the end of the year mayhem he continues to seem unfazed. If I unintentionally get snippy or my tone is not what I mean for it to be, he just lovingly points it out. Sometimes, if he has had a rough day, he snips back. But you know what? He is not perfect. Neither am I. And yet, even when we both flop and can't move. We love each other immensely. He is most definitely my other half! I love him immensely. I only hope that I love him as much as he loves me. Sometimes I don't know how to emotionally deal with the fact I am his World. He spoils me, and I don't know what to do with it. Often I don't feel I deserve his spoilings, and every time he just cuddles me and reminds me how much he loves me. I love it, but sometimes I don't know how to... process it. He wants to make everyone of my dreams come true. I have never met someone so FOR my dreams! And again, I feel a little guilty and have to ask myself. Do I love him to that extent? What can I do to show him that I love him as much as he loves me?! It's funny. Most people fight because they don't feel love. We get in tiffs because we want to out love the other person. I guess it could be worse! He is my world too. Everyday I look forward to curling up next to him after work and just listening to him breathe and listening to his heart beat. That really never gets old. I have loved his heart beat for almost 5 years. I want to push him to his dreams too! I feel bad because right now, I am so stressed and quite depressed and I don't feel I do a very good job at showing him my love. I do adore him. Completely. After all... he is the male-whom-I-am-fond-of! Dear Parents,
You are not going to like what I write. You really won't. Your kid is not any more/less important than every other child in the school they go to. Their importance is not deteremined by: -Sports - Grades - Money - Fame - Popularity - The amount you yell at their teacher - Whether they are healthy or not - How expensive their clothes and shoes, and school supplies are - How often they bring in starbucks EVERY child is important, the same amount. You yelling at me about their grades is not going to make your child more important. Oh, another thing. Telling your child how stupid school is. How much of a failure their teacher is. How little you liked it. How it didn't help you. It's sets your student up for failure in school. They come in with that attitude. Believe me when I say, we have similar goals in wanting your child to succeed. Teachers are tired. We are required to be stretched in more directions than you even knew existed. We see how little the kids nowadays have motivation to do anything. Yet they think they know all. I have quizzed the kids about their life plans. They don't realize they need jobs. They don't realize there is a VERY LITTLE chance of being the next Kardashian. And I need you to know that you can't expect me to teach your child everything about life. I don't see them for very long. I can only teach so much. However, you are the parent. You need to RAISE your child. Teach them how to cook. How to do taxes. How to have a work ethic. It is YOUR job to be their parent. Not mine. Fun fact: I am not much older than your kids. (Maybe 9 years older). And I certainly don't look that nine years older. So put down the device you are reading this on and PARENT your children. You can be friends with them when they are older. My mom did that and we are REALLY close now. REALLY close. Because she has always been there for me, and I know she will ALWAYS be there. So please. Stop giving your teachers unrealistic expectations. ESPECIALLY if you don't hold your kids to any expectations. We are supposed to be a team. Not Parent vs. Teacher. Sincerely, A very tired young teacher. There is the kind of depression everyone seems to know about.
The kind where you have fallen in a dark pit and there seems to be no escape. One kind that is not talked about is the hazy depression. The kind where you feel like you are in a haze and can't always remember what happened earlier in the day. The kind where you feel like your brain is congested. I don't have a desperate depression where I hope for some sort of sweet release. I feel like my life is going NO WHERE. That I am not good at ANYTHING. That what I am doing is stupid. My life feels worthless. (Not in a suicidal way.) Trust me when I say I do NOT want to die. I have way too much to live for. I am just tired of this stupid job. I feel ancient. I am 25 and I feel SO OLD. I feel hazy and blurry and fuzzy and foggy. The things I like are not interesting right now. The food I love don't taste very good. It makes me more sad and hazy. There ARE a few moments that are crisp and real and refreshing. I had one on Sunday. We were at Carl and Dixie's house. Carl is teaching us how to spin pottery. We even get to use a kick wheel! Let me describe the setting for you. You drive out into the country. The air is fresh and the sky seems a little bigger. You pull up to a modern looking brick house with an older looking white farm house right next door. Carl in Dixie live in the brick house. The farm house was built in 1910 or 1920. It was Dixie's house growing up. There is an old chicken barn behind the farmhouse a little ways. There are also two barns. One old and one new. In the old farmhouse is where Carl has his pottery stuff set up. We go in there to spin pottery. The inside of the house is a testament to the cleverness and space saving senses of the people before us. It is a very nice house. Other than the green shag carpet... But our ancestors weren't perfect, so I will let that slide. In front of the farmhouse a little ways away are flower bushes, and the a very large tree with a swing hanging down. My husband and I were outside with Carl and Dixie. They were in one of the sheds, so the male-whom-I-am-fond-of and I went over to the swing. He sat down first. Then I sat down on his lap and then we started swinging. I heard Dixie, as they walked around a corner, "Aw! They are using our swing!" She sounded so happy about it. And they just stood there watching. So Zac and I decided to get off. In the only way acceptable we jumped. I jumped first (naturally) and boy, with our momentum and me timing it just right, I FLEW! It was an impressive distance (like more than 5 feet) I flew, and I loved the rush. Landing on the soft grass was nice too. Much less painful than rocks or wood chips. Those few moments on the swing and flying through the air were the crispest clearest most purest moments I have had in a while! I had an emotional melt down today. There is just too much going on and I am emotionally exhausted. I came to school still sobbing. (it was like that episode of Arthur where Francine was holding in her emotions and then her head popped off.) So I asked if I could get first hour covered so I could become less of an overstuffed emotional jelly donut. They complied. I started hiding out in one teacher's room, but then a student showed up. Then I ended up with another teacher, who is wonderful, always has been, in the teacher's lounge. I told her that I was just emotionally drained and I felt like Francine when her head popped off. She said she understood and that that was her a week or two ago. I then told her that I am hella depressed, but not like in a "I hate my life" way, but more in a "Hazy foggy, nothing interests me" sort of way. I told her that I am trying to just "snap out of it" And she goes, "You won't 'snap' out of it. You just will ease out of it. It will take time and that's okay. It will get better." And it was just so nice to hear because a lot of people tell you to just "snap" out of it. It does bother me though that everything is so hazy. That I don't seem to like anything or doing anything. I want to enjoy life. I want to see in vibrant color. I don't want to feel like nothing is real! I love life. I love the life God has given me. I just don't like this depression part. Today it was pouring rain.
Like not quite torrential downpour But still a good cats-and-dogs shower. I do morning car duty. I like to call it lightsaber duty. Because I get a cool lightsaber thing. Anyways.. I LOVE the rain. I have found the one thing I don't like about rain. Parents stop following the rules which then backs up traffic ALL the way up the street!!!! Let's just say I was tardy to my class because PARENTS FORGOT TO PULL FORWARD!!!! I do love the rain though. I had an umbrella, but the rain was falling sideways. So there was no point. I put it away and let the sweet cool rain fall on me. Like a fresh start to my already rough morning. (20mph busses causing me to be late) (But at least they were safe!) (There was also an unfortunate event with my frozen eclairs... we don't talk about that though...) I love the rain. I know a large group of people get a little grumpy. They don't like their hair getting messed up. Their makeup running Ruining their clothes Or just feeling damp for the rest of the day. (understandable) I was a little uncharacteristically grumpy about the rain first thing. Then I saw a student look up at the rain and just laugh. She sauntered through the rain soaking up every bit of happiness That is when I decided I don't NEED an umbrella. And my day got decidedly better. TLDR: Rain is a good reset button to your day (But only if you actually like the rain and maybe even dancing in it!) It's been a hot minute..
I actually did not realize this until my husband mentioned I had not blogged for a while! THAT'S RIGHT! I SAID HUSBAND!!!!! WE GOT MARRIED! So I think I have a lot to update you on! First and foremost. I got married to the male-whom-I-am-fond-of. We went to Florida. It was awesome! We did a lot of things there. Like beach island of Adventure VR Blue Man Group Murder Mystery Dinner Show Ate Desserts bigger than our face!! it was a good time! <3 I decided that I am done with teaching for a while. I am finishing out this year and then doing a little exploring. I am a little bit terrified. I have been auditioning for dance companies. So far, to no avail. I tried out for the major ballet company in the area. It was a mess. But I did it. And I am proud of myself. Man there is so much to say I don't really know what to write. And I don't want to confuse you all with a bunch. But just know that I am back and I have a lot to write about. I guess for now I can tell you that life is good. Life is very good. I love spending the time I can with my Love. It's so nice. Life is not perfect by any means. But it is so much... nicer... having someone to go through those times with. We have done a lot of adjusting and growing and learning. And somedays I forget that I am a wife. I just love being with my best friend. We have had disagreements. Nothing too crazy Taxes were rough. But we always ALWAYS talk through it. He treats me like a queen. He drops things off for me at school. One time he dropped off a closed (like glued closed) package of Fruit by the foots, and inside there was a love note. My female students about DIED! They melted. Hopefully I will be better about writing on this now... But at least you know that I am married! Our four year anniversary from our first date was pretty good.
It was almost 4 weeks ago. The church had its s anniversary celebration. It was a fairly long morning, but it was a great service and the music during it was good. He sang a lot, he has a great voice. There was also REALLY good fried chicken!!!! Then we went to our college town. We had lunch with his sister and her roommates. It was very loud. But it was fun, we had pizza and played a really long game. It was very long. They got distracted... ALOT Like so much... It took SO long!! Which honestly was fine as it gave time for it to get dark. Then it got dark out. So in the fashion of our old time traditions... I went on a walk the male-whom-I-am-fond-of We walked to our corner. The one we always met at. And we went for a walk. Walking bag and everything. Just like we used to. And get this. It started raining. It always rains on good walks. And it was a good walk cause it has been a LONG time since a late night walk. We walked to the park. It was darker than I remember. Memories swirled around us. It was very sweet. We went back to the wall he first told me he liked me. We heard a noise, so we walked up to the gazebo. We sat down. The air was thick with this... expectation and nerves. I knew he was going to propose right there. My heart was racing and I sat down and turned towards him with expectation. All of a sudden... we heard noises. So he turned on his phone flashlight. And leans towards me.... and whispers... "There is a person." And I sat back and in shock, "where?!" And he pointed across from us. "In here?!?!" I whispered He whispered back an affirmative. My heart dropped in my chest. So disappointed. This was the spot. I knew this was the place he would propose... But I asked if we could just leave and assured me we could. So we did. I was sorely disappointed, and did everything I could not to let it ruin the rest of the magical walk. We stopped at McDonald's for a bathroom break. While in the bathroom I answered 2 of my closest friend's messages. They wanted to know if he had proposed yet. I told them about the person sleeping in the gazebo. I told them that it was probably not going to happen. I told them that I was going to stop trying to guess when it was going to happen, and it just doesn't seem likely! We continued our walk with ice cream in hand. We walked past the car. Heading to end the walk right. At our spot at the corner. He asked if I wanted water, I said yes. So he started to dig around for it. He asked if I wanted to share or wanted my own. I said I wouldn't mind sharing. He said, "Well. I want my own!" And continued to dig. He handed me a bottle of water. I reminded him about his hearing aid. He dug that out. Then he looked llike he was going to shove everything back in. But then. He pulled out this little treasure box he made for me. The one that was sitting in the cubby of my wardrobe. I was shocked. When had he gotten that?! Then the male-whom-I-am-fond-of says, "I know I said this was just for Valentines day.. but I really wanted to make today special." Opens the treasure box, and there is a ring box inside of it!!!! I WAS HONESTLY SURPRISED GUYS! He takes the ring box out of the treasure chest, gets down on one knee and asks, "Will you marry me?" I of course said yes. He said, "I figured... where we started our walks would be a good place to start our lives." AND IS THAT NOT THE SWEETEST THING YOU HAVE EVER HEARD?! Honestly, I was really nervous that I was going to say something like, "Coolio" or "Okeedokee" or "Sure thing" or "Ditto" But I said yes. And we were both so relieved with my answer. It was perfect. GUYS WE ARE ENGAGED!!!! ENGAGED!!! I AM GOING TO MARRY THE MALE-WHOM-I-AM-FOND-OF!!!!! He makes me so happy. I have waited so long for this question. And God has had to remind me over and over and over to be patient. And we are getting married in less that 60 days! That's right. Less. Than. Sixty. Days. But that is okay! I cannot wait to marry my best friend. So anyways. I told you I would tell you! And I did! |
AuthorA human who is addicted to Panda Express' Orange chicken. I enjoy writing and really enjoy playing Spyro and Ultimate Chicken Horse on the XBox. Archives
September 2020
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