I think I have made a horrendous mistake.
I am told it is not a mistake. That it was a long time coming, and that it was fine.
But I don't think it was fine.
I think it was VERY childish of me to have done.
"What did you do?"
I lost my temper. I just snapped. I exploded.
Remember the male-whom-I-am-fond-of? Yeah? Well. His real name is Zac.
I never used his real name because I was a coward.
But. You know what? I am not a coward. I am done.
I don't really know why I snapped. Maybe it was seven months of pent up anger, hurt, frustration, fake hope, wanting, and just me being mad at myself for still liking him. All I know is that when he came over I was very unfair.
And I understand all I am doing is writing words. I know that some people would be like... "How do we know you mean any of this that you are writing right now?"
Honestly. You don't.
You are just gonna have to take my word for it and understand that this is a very honest post.
All he did was make time and come over to pick up his stuff. That is all. And I don't know... when I saw him, when I opened the door, something in me just snapped. And part of it was because of the night before perhaps (that is between me and him.. sorry y'all). All I know is I saw him, and I just felt something snap.
And I think he saw it snap in me, because he gave me this look of half concern and confusion. And my reply? (Me being EVER so gracious.. NOT) "Just go away."
"That's not so bad."
Yeah. Well. I didn't stop there.
Oh no. I just had to keep going.
Go big or go home. I guess...
No. I also say:
"Take my number out of your phone."
Then his reply pushed me even further over the edge:
"If that is what you wish."
And I was all "It's not...but whatever."
And then. Did I stop there?!
OF COURSE NOT!
"Don't worry about the box or coming to dance in the spring."
and he looked hurt.
but he again said:
"If that is what you wish."
AND I SNAPPED EVEN MORE!
"OBVIOUSLY IT'S NOT!"
And SLAMMED the door.
I mean SLAMMED.
Like, if I were a teenager living at home, my mom would have taken the door right off the hinges right then and there. It shook the walls.
Then I started bawling.
Then I said a very unlady like word and chucked my phone across the room.
I broke my case.
I ended up running into Cecily. Who saw me bawling. (because I was going to go for a walk and clear my head.)
She says, "Honestly. I am surprised it took you this long to snap."
Which both is and isn't reassuring.
I told my adopted Grandpa the happenings because he was talking about how Thursday was Fate and that Fate keeps landing me blow after blow.
And do you know what he told me?
"Good. If it is meant to be than this won't scare him off none. If it isn't meant to be... then you can move on with your life."
And I see his point.
I am still ashamed of how I acted.
But at the same time... I guess I am at peace with what I did?
I am at peace with the knowledge that God will work it out how things are meant to work out. And nothing more and nothing less.
It is officially 100% in God's hands. Because there is nothing I can do or say or anything like that, that can change what I did.
And so now I have to have some faith.
A LOT of faith.
But I trust that God has the best for me out there.
And now.. the adventures of Emilie continues.