I have been up since three am.
That was like...
19 hours ago.
I texted the male-whom-I-am-fond-of that not only was I energetic but I got a cupcake!
He said that was fantastic.
He also said I must have stolen his energy.
He has some potent energy man.
I am so deliriously tired.
I talked to him on the phone for two hours.
I meant only to talk to him long enough to get home.
But he is so easy and nice to talk to.
My classroom is decorated now.
It looks really cool.
Okay you know what?
I have to keep going back and fixing the order of the stupid letters because they can't put themselves in their right spots. So.
I am sleeping now.
Being awake is tiresome.
This week has probably been one of the hardest ever.
If it ever happens again, it won't get any easier.
We had a student pass away.
A third grader.
And it was devastating.
It was unexpected.
I do realize I teach 5-8.
However, this student's older brother and 2 of his cousins are in my classes. And they were all really close.
The four of them would pull shenanigans.
This third grader was just so sweet, funny, and ornery.
He even brought me a cupcake on his birthday.
I was actually looking forward to having him as a student.
Honestly. I don't do well with death.
Especially when I have less than five minutes to get over the shock so that I can teach.
You have to keep going with business as usual.
And its hard.
Especially when your students are crying.
You feel so helpless.
I went to a visitation today.
I get to where the mom is, she sees me and starts to cry a little harder, "Miss D. He thought you were the greatest." And gave me this huge hug.
That is the sentence that broke me.
This third grader who heard stories from his older brother and cousins... and who was excited he was going to have me... and made it known to his mom that he thought I was the greatest... Even now, I am crying. He was a sweet little stinker.
At school I act like everything is fine. I don't want the administration to worry about the new teacher. A teacher walked in on me crying the first day we found out. And that was weird.
The nice thing about this school is how close knit it is. It was amazing to see how people genuinely came together.
They released balloons for him.
It was beautifully heartbreaking.
A lot of things this week is going to haunt me.
Teaching is hard because the kids work their way into your heart.
They become part of you.
And it hurts so deeply when your kids feel pain.
It hurts so deeply to lose one, even if he wasn't yours.
My heart and prayers go out to the parents and family and actual teacher of this student. May God grant them peace and comfort.
Last night was wonderful.
I got to see the male-whom-I-am-fond-of.
He came to visit.
We made spaghetti.
We built a pillow fort.
You heard me correct.
A pillow fort.
If you thought pillow forts were great as a kid...
You need to try them as an adult.
Oh, and cookies are a must.
Then you have to find someone who are you fond of...
It helps if they are fond of you as well.. (I think)
We then watched three movies.
One action (Flight of the Phoenix)
One romance (Ever After)
A few horror episodes (Supernatural)
While I enjoyed every movie,
I really enjoyed Supernatural.
I don't remember much from the show...
It just had to do with clowns
(Which is why he suggested we watch it).
When I was younger I thought it was a stupid idea to agree with someone to watch a scary show or movie.
Last night I changed my opinion.
He makes me feel like I am in a movie.
Or a really well written book.
Something that will go down through out the ages.
I would think it all a dream if it were not for the t.v. stand he brought me, or for the word "mail" on my mail key.
I very much enjoyed his visit.
I do wish we lived closer.
I cannot wait to see him once more.
He is just so... wonderful.
So today at church,
it was a really good service about Hope.
I love going to church.
It's not a massive social place for me.
I just really like the sermons.
God also used me today.
He used my backstory.
And that made so many tears... worth it.
The best part about God using you, really using you..
Is you feel him so... intensely.
You are suddenly saying words and things you KNOW you personally are not brave enough to say on your own.
But you feel God next to you.. guiding you, and you can see God's peace flow onto whomever.
I love that about God.
He has your back when you are doing things that scares you.
To be completely honest, I had no idea what to say.
Then suddenly I just heard words come out of my mouth.
I felt this peace come upon me, and I think the person I was talking to felt it too. And God just really... amazed me today and he taught me so much today.
I wonder if that is how the prophets of old felt?
I wonder if they felt God like that.
I wonder how close they felt to God.
When I was little I was always jealous of people like Moses, Elijah, and Noah. They got to talk to God so directly and they heard him talk back. Just like you would hear someone sitting next to you. And as a kid, I wanted that. I wanted to be sitting on my couch and have a conversation with God, just like I would with my best friend.
I heard a pastor talk about how things got so noisy on Earth that we can't be like that anymore. But why? Why can't we quiet the noise down and just talk to God? Did you know that there was a guy in the bible (Enoch I think) who talked to God so much and God enjoyed it so much that Enoch blinked and realized he was no longer in his living room? God just beamed him to heaven to be with him. That is how much Enoch talked with God. When I was little, I would read that story over and over and over. And it just amazed me. Now please remember that this was my 8 year old theology here, I was just awestruck that God loved talking so much and enjoyed the conversation so much with Enoch that he just took him to heaven.
I loved that story. I loved talking when I was 8 and so I very excitedly started telling God everything. And by everything I do mean everything. I told him about games I played, and what I was sad about and mad about and dissappointed about and frustrated about. And the thing is, I still do. There is nothing I love more than just talking to God. About everything. When I want to talk to someone about something but I don't want to exhaust the topic, I turn to God. I tell him my hopes, and dreams. I tell him about events, even though I know he was there.
He is our dad. You know? He loves hearing about our day, just like real parents do. Sometimes I think he puts in little blessings because he knows we are gonna tell him excitedly about it. I could be wrong. I am no theology student. I am just a simple human being who loves talking to her God.
And he is so trustworthy too. You can tell him your deepest most innermost thoughts and never have to worry about him telling anyone.
What I most love about God is that you can talk to him about anything and everything. You can talk about stuff with him to the point that all your friends would roll their eyes and zone out, but God will listen.
So. Point of the story.
God is really really really awesome. And good. And awesome. Yay!
Apparently I say his name different than anyone elses.
He doesn't make me happy.
I just feel happier around him.
I became self aware.
I was talking about who lived where and his name slipped out.
And it is different.
It's happier sounding.
They make fun of me for it now.
They say one name all low pitched and sad
And the other high pitched and peppy.
The principal overheard a story.
I was talking about how he was going to avenge me.
He was confused and asked and he asked his name
I said it and just started giggling.
I don't know why.
He isn't my happiness though.
He just is a happy spot in my life.
I wish he knew how much.
Today has been a good day.
I start school on Wednesday.
And I am nervous.
There are so many adulting responsibilities I must complete.
I am not even done grading.
I took a HUGE step back from teaching.
Which was needed.
But now I am behind.
I am trying to unpack my office so I can watch tv.
Whilst unpacking I found some journals.
Just for kicks I started reading one.
And I can see how much God has shaped me.
God has grown me.
I was trying to be optimistic.
But you can feel the pain and confusion in my writing.
It is astounding how much God has done.
That was one very disgruntled Jimmy Johns worker.
They got my address wrong.
Then the first time he called he asked for "Victoria."
Nope. Not me.
So yeah. I hope his night gets better.
Anyways. I have a sandwich to eat, a letter to write, and a back room to unpack and living room to clean all before the morning because a friend is coming over early. Oi.
Have a good day.
A chocoholic, chronic writer who is obsessed with Snoopy and anything as such. She also can be found curled under a warm fluffy blanket, lesson planning, journalling, or blogging.