I am sure after reading all my old posts... you know something.
I struggle with depression.
I really do.
I try not to.
I try to be happy.
But it sneaks up on you...
And when you least expect it....
there is all this low and negative crap seeping into your brain.
I hate it.
I hate how it affects me.
I hate how dark the world feels.
I hate it all.
I hate how I feel so unable to ever be loved by someone.
That those that do "Fall in Love" with me...
I feel low.
And sometimes even like trash (though... that one is feeling less and less true)
And its DUMB!
You wanna know why?
Because God doesn't see me how I see myself (thankfully!)
He sees me as beautiful.
He sees me as his princess.
He sees me as something important.
He made me.
Yeah that last one seems a bit cliche...
But a friend explained it really really well to me.
Obviously. I am a writer.
This friend knows how much I write.
(Seriously I have an unseemly amount of journals)
And they asked me.
"How many poetry journals do you have?"
"Two" I replied.
"What would happen if something were to happen to one of them?"
"I'd probably cry."
"Because I wrote them."
"So. You wrote a lot of papers too.."
"Yeah.. but these are poems"
"What's so special?" they asked me.
"Well.. they each have meaning.. memories."
"So you put yourself into them?"
I nod here.
"Why don't you love one more than the other."
"Because they are both special to me."
What they were getting at here and explained to me...
It's the same thing with God.
He made us.
He put thought into us.
He loves us dearly.
Yeah. Bad things happen.
That's the sin in this world.
But God is there admist it all.
He doesn't leave us.
He doesn't forsake us.
He is willing to listen.. no matter the hour.
You know that feeling you get?
The one where you feel like you are being a bother? Or needy?
Even though you are probably not?
The best part of God is that...
He doesn't think us needy... or a pester... EVER!
I never have to worry about "Geez... I wonder if I am talking to God too much."
You wanna know why?
Because he loves when we talk to him.
He can actually make all these worries, and grossness go away.
Even now as I write.. I do feel better about myself.
I feel less...
I know for a fact that there are a lot of people who feel like I do.
You aren't alone you know.
You aren't alone in your darkness.
You aren't alone in the onslaught of thoughts that whips through your mind constantly.
You aren't alone in being sucked into this inevitable dark hole.
You aren't alone in thinking you are alone.
There are others out there.
You know the craziest thing...
I have found that the people who have struggled with depression and anxiety are the very people who are there with their arms open and willing and wanting to help more than anyone else.
And you have God.
Like I said. He listens.
He also puts people in our lives.
For example. The roommate I have this summer...
She is awesome.
She is hilarious.
In fact... my one roommate felt like God was wanting her to be in our apartment. Like everyone kept telling her, "Sara needs a room." and "You need to talk to Sara."
Finally my roommate was like, "I think God is wanting her here for a reason."
I think that reason is me.
I think God knew that summers are hard for me. And he knew I would be struggling. And he wanted Sarah here.
She is wonderful.
We have had fun conversations.
We played dress up one night because it was too hot to sleep.
She has helped me make a budget (Because that is fun for her)
We might be going to the lake tomorrow.
She doesn't know it.
But she is keeping me afloat.
Last summer my former roommate told me that I was able to make her laugh when she needed it most. She was struggling. I honestly wasn't doing so hot myself, but I had my boys then. And so after finding out she was depressed, I would make her dinner, or try to do fun things, or just chat with her.
I guess God sent me Sarah.
For the same reason God sent me for the other roommate.
I am so thankful he sent me her.
I have been struggling more than usual with it.
And it's been really hard to go out and have fun.
It has been so incredibly hard to smile and laugh.
In fact this past Monday I hit a breaking point.
Monday was this teetering point.
Imagine you have no choice but to jump off a cliff.
You are either going to fly. Or you are going to fall.
It's your choice.
That is where I was at.
God put someone in my life that day.
Someone who was willing just to hug it out.
And talk even though they knew at that moment..
I might have wanted to hear the words... but I wasn't ready to let them in...
(I have thought about the words though...)
And I had a choice.
Fall or fly...
And even though there is a choice it's this...
Terrifying... "what if I mean to fly but I fall?!"
And I even asked God...
And you know what his response was, "I will catch you."
So I jumped.
I think it was Wednesday night was ridiculously hot.
We played dress up.
Because what else are you supposed to do when you can't sleep?
And I fell on her bed (since I don't have one) and was like, "A BED! A REAL BED!" And she fell on top of me... just to be weird and was all "Look a bed!" And I laughed.
My real laugh.
It actually shocked me.
Like I had laughed with another friends. Like in graduation (which also was a nice feeling) and a few other moments where I felt I was so incandescently happy...
This laugh that shocked me.
That was in a normal every day circumstance.
In fact moments before I was going to go to sleep because of how depressed I was feeling. I wanted to escape.
But all of a sudden...
It was gone and I laughed.
I flew instead of fell.
Yes, I do still get depressed.
I mean honestly I am tonight.
But little moments of flight...
Those are the important ones.
Like today I went shopping with my parents.
That was fun.
My mom picked out clothes I didn't expect her to pick out for me.
And they were cute.
AND SHE EVEN BOUGHT THEM FOR ME!!! :D
Another day of flight.
Every day of flight gets me further from the ground.
If I can be honest though (and it IS my blog).
I am a little nervous that I will fly too high and the drop is gonna hurt like HECK!
That's where what God told me comes into play.
I have to trust that when I do drop altitude...
He is going to catch me.
So don't be afraid of flying friends.
Spread your wings.
Trust God to catch you.
He loves you with everything.
We are his loves.
We are his darlings.
We are his children.
He loves us with everything.
Remember that today my darling readers.
You are loved.