Oh don't get me wrong.
I have fun being pointless...
But sometimes... I just sorta wonder...
Why do we workout so hard when we are young? It's just gonna go away... and why do we work our tails off everyday when in the end... we just die?
I don't have an answer.
It's not one of those posts.
You know the ones.
Where I get all rhetorical question-y and then state the answer later.
I seriously have no idea.
Like I practise ballet, I make dances. I rock climb. I eat good food. I do homework. ALOT OF HOMEWORK. We try to please people. We wish for love.
What's the point?
Become all you can be before you no longer can be?
And like.. so many people my age are all "I hope to fall in love. I hope to marry! I hope to have kids and live in a house!"
And I feel horrible saying this.
Why do we want this?
What is the point of having someone when in the end... they or you are gonna leave the other with no choice (death.).
And what if I never get married?
Is there something wrong with me?
Is that my own fault?
I don't want to be alone... but...
it might be inevitable?
Now don't get me wrong.
I don't want to be alone.
I would love to fall in love.
I enjoy my life.
I try to please God.
But I just...
I am going through this quarter life thing that we all go through.
You know the one.
Everyone expects us to have five year plans, and then keep them.
People expect you to be dating.
People expect you to dream big but live realistically...
I don't even know what I want.
Because things never seem to go how I plan.
Or maybe I hoped too hard for one thing and my hope was shattered, and while my hope is still trying SO HARD to cling on to what little shred of anything...
Reality seems to knock the wind out of my hope.
Let me be clear. My hope in God is there.
It's my hope to have this... dream future of mine.
I am told I shouldn't want what I want. And that in wanting what I want... I am stupid. And would I be happy?
I am told I would just be making the same mistake twice.
That it will never happen.
That is should never happen.
That should it ever happen, I should decline fervently and run the opposite direction..
But if I look close...
There is this part that does not agree with what everyone is saying.
Its more sure.
Its says it will be fine.
Maybe I WOULD be happy.
Maybe I am too stubborn.
Maybe I should be open to it should it happen.
What do I do?
It's not gonna happen.
I know that.
But it's nice to hope.
There are so many good "maybe's" that MAYBE it would be good.
And then aside from that...
I look around at all the couples around me.. and I can't but feel I will never really have that.. Not really.
I have had glimpses. And oh how they were great.
But sometimes I feel like.. I just am not gonna have that.
And I do want it.
I really really do..
I don't mean to be all "Woe is me" but... I gotta get out somehow and writing is the most logical thing I can do.
I don't feel at peace with where I am in at life.
Do any of us?
I can honestly say that there has been at LEAST 2 distinct moments (In my adulthood) where I have felt peace. Like I belonged. Like I wasn't too weird. Like maybe my future was bright and hopeful with something that I always secretly wished for but was told I didn't really want.
Here I am.
Following what I am told.
Not that that future is horrible. It's good too.
And the most girly, stupid, silly, makes me gag, embaressesingly, horrid, and I don't even know what... question hits me upside the brain.
What is it about me that guys don't like and don't want to date?
I am told there isn't anything.
BUT THERE HAS TO BE A REASON!
A REASON GUYS ALWAYS TELL ME I AM BETTER OFF BEING A FRIEND!
A reason that no one really wants to take a risk of "losing" me... or even gaining me as wife...
Do I talk too much?
Is my hair too wild?
Do I think too hard?
Do I work too hard?
Am I intimidating?
Is it because I forget to water my poor plant every other (or four) days?
Is it because I am a dancer?
Is it because I am focused?
To much into "doing it myself"? (I am willing to change this).
Is it because I don't flirt?
Because I am too chill around guys?
Because I dream too big?
My cooking skills are intimidating?
My eyes twinkle too ornery like? (According to Grandpa Joe that is)
Am I a bad driver?
Is it because I am *slightly* (very) A-Type *sometimes*?
Am I too picky?
Because i wear keds?
Let my car get cluttered?
Don't know how to change my own oil?
Can have low confidence?
Secretly just wants people to hug me?
Do I come off as clingy? (Doubt this one)
Is it cause I think in like this weird pattern?
Because writing is sometimes easier than verbally talking?
Too much of a traveller?
Like... What is wrong with me?
Because I mean... I look around and even the weirdest (I mean that nicely) of the weird and the meanest of the mean... have someone. And I am on my porch with potato salad.
And no. I am NOT having boy drama. I am just a woman... and I DO wonder these things. I really and truly do.
I am not trying to be all woe is me.
I am just confused and trying to figure out life.
Just like you are.
I hope we can figure out this crazy thing called life together.
Goodnight dear readers. Until tomorrow. Where I will hopefully have something fun for you to read. :D Until then! Keep smiling your beautiful smiles.