(Note: This is a long post. And more personal than the others. Which is weird for me. I am not sure why I wrote so much, but maybe one of you spectacular readers need to know that you aren't the only one who feels lonely, or who thinks themselves junk. (Which you aren't). I don't know... I hope this helps. This is me being as real as I can.
He did for me this weekend. And it was just this build up. The end of my week went poorly. I was just having rough day after rough day. Things were happening that I wasn't prepared for and I just felt... overwhelmed. My brain started swirling in this mess. This horrible mess that felt could never be tamed. It swirled so fast I couldn't sleep, and yet I was so thoroughly exhausted. I wanted to talk it out with one friend. Except I knew they had plans... so I didn't bother them. I was tired of a being a bother. Plus by the time I really really needed to talk it was late. Very late. So I got a hold of one other friend. (I have a very very very small circle of friends that I trust. And I was running out of options on number two. Let's just put it that way.) Luckily number two was awake, and not doing anything. So we started messaging back and forth. Questions just poured from my fingertips. Things such as, "Am I a problem?" and "Why do people use me so much?" and more. Questions that kept hitting me over and over and over again.
Next thing I knew, the window flew open and rain blew in hitting my cheeks.... just kidding, I was crying. I hate crying. So I offered to by this friend a chocolate shake from McDonald's because I just needed to get out of there. They agreed and I picked them up. We got to the McDonalds which was crazy busy (yay college town with nothing to do but go to McDonalds on a Friday night!) so we went through the drive through and then just sat in the lot. And we just started talking. Within the talking there were these breaks.. where it was just this thick silence.
Next thing I know, my friend hit the target, "So there are things that [our college] isn't causing? There is more." Well that did it. 8 months of pent up anger, betrayal, hurt, and heartbreak just broke through this dam I had built. This thick concrete slab over my heart couldn't hold the pain anymore. It had been cracking over the months, as more and more friends seemed to be leaving. As more and more friends made promises and gave me hopes, just to drop me. And it hurt. The concrete broke and it hurt so stinking bad you guys.
Now I know I have mentioned this once or twice, but I don't like crying. Especially not in front of people. And what happened? I started crying. Not just normal crying; not even ugly crying. But more like sobbing. Heart wrenching sobs, between words. Then I thought I had it under control. No. God wasn't done chiseling away this 8 months of heartache.
In movies when a person is getting over heartbreak there is this montage of memories between the two people involved. I used to think that was just Hollywood being clever. Nope. It's not. I had 3 years of memories flash past my eyes, every good and bad moment with this friend fly past. It took seconds but I caught a glimpse of every memory. It's not something easily explained. But I lost it again. And my heart ached. Oh how my heart ached. With this pain I hadn't ever wanted to let myself feel. And here God was, revealing it. Telling me it was time. Time to let it all out and just... heal. And you know what the crazy thing is? I am not angry at that person. I do not feel like what happened is anything I could have changed. (I know I am being vague and I am sorry). But... I really do feel better on that subject.
But is that all God did? No. Why? Because he is our dad and he knows our hearts. He knows our pains, and he doesn't want us to have those pains. And sometimes healing hurts as well. The thing I am learning most is, God has given us those one or two people who will go through the hurt with you. Which makes it better. Not any less painful, but better.
The next morning after my wonderful 2 hours of sleep I went over to my male friend whom I am fond of's house. We were making chocolate chip pancakes and eggs for breakfast and it was gonna be delicious! (And it was.) (Detail I forgot to mention. At about 2 a.m. I texted him wondering if he was still up. He wasn't).
Side note: Making pancakes on like 2 hours of sleep is really really hard. Like really really really hard! Thankfully God created coffee which is delicious!!!
Well, my friend was very curious as to why I had not gotten sleep. So I explained that I was just thinking too much. I was planning on leaving it on that... but see... this friend is very stubborn and will sometimes continues to prod. This was no exception. So I started sort of blanketing the subject. There was a pleasant interruption.
So then I had to start over. Which again. Words are hard. So I finally just wrote them down. All the words. Explaining everything I was feeling. Explaining how I was tired of being walked all over and left and lonely. But that loneliness saved me from getting hurt. And 9 pages (of a mini memo book) worth of writing. 9 pages of swirling thought released into the air, free to fly away. 9 pages of me.
And then I did the thing every introvert dreads. I mean beyond dread. I mean I have nightmares about this. I gave him the 9 pages. To read. I was so nervous (and exhausted) that I just put my head down and buried my face in the crook of my arm as he read. Time dragged on. (It didn't take long for him to read. He is a speed reader.)
Guess what he did when he finished.
He stood up.
Pulled me to my feet.
And hugged me.
I don't know what I was expecting. But that is what I needed. Exactly what I needed.
And I was given a task. Write 28 good traits about myself. (My self esteem has been shot over the years.) And ya know.. it's really hard.
What I want to say dear reader... is if I have 28 good traits. So do you. You are wonderful and beautiful and clever in God's eyes. He does not make junk. And I am sending a virtual hug out to you.
Don't let the world bully you anymore. A lot of what the world says feels true... but don't let it get to you... you are so much more than the world wants to let you know. You are FANTASTIC!!!!!!