Amazingly, this drives my friends batty. Because I will be so emotion ridden that I just dont know what to do, and they will get frustrated and be all, "Emilie, just cry!" To which I will reply, "I cant."
And I cant, I hate crying in front of people. (read the first paragraph}. I wont do it. However, lately, I have just been bawling. I even cried in front of a group of fourteen people. I was embarrassed. I didnt know what to do.
*Sidenote: when I get emotional.... I get mean. I just dont know how to deal with the mess inside so I get grouchy and mean. And I dont mean to be mean. *
I recently quit the bad habit I had that I was using to release emotion. So now what can I do? I refuse to start again, I know if I do, I will basically hate myself.
Funny story. Today, I was crying... in a very busy commons. It was terrible. I got so upset that I ended up finding an empty space, and what did I do? I kicked the wall... over, and over, and over again. I yelled. I prayed. I asked God to forgive me ahead of time because I know I was being childish.
But it felt good.
It felt good to relieve this tension inside of me. It felt good to kick my anger out on the wall. Yeah, I need to find something a bit more constructive, but for now, that is what i needed.
It felt good to cry. It felt good to feel. It felt good to have those cold salty tears run down my face. It just felt good.
I decided that I CAN cry. I can cry when I am alone. When it is just me and God. Because he has seen me at my worst. He has caught me when I fall, and I know that he treasures my tears. He catches every one and each one is a jewel. He always brings a smile to my face after I cry as if saying, "See... not so bad is it? Now, show me that beautiful smile of yours and keep your head up princess."
So my advice to you is.. if you are a toughie like I am. Find a quite spot with a brick wall and cry. Maybe kick the wall if you need to. But cry. Let it out. Tell God EXACTLY how you feel. Just because he knows, doesnt mean he doesnt want to hear about it. He does. He is our dad. He cares for us more than ANYTHING. He wants us to be happy. And sometimes to be happy, you just gotta cry.