Do you think that if a person just randomly pops in your mind, a person you actually really haven't thought of much, that perhaps you pop up in their mind?
I know scientists tend to think so.
But I am not sure.
I am just wondering because honestly, I haven't really thought of him in a long time. Not like REALLY. Like little flashes like I think of all my friends. I pray for my friends you know.
But like these onslaughts of memories and wondering how they are and all that. Like it just, much to my annoyance, FLOODS my brain.
And I cannot help but wonder if he thinks of me too.
He probably doesn't to be honest.
I know he said that if we parted, that he would never be able to get me out of his head, just as I would never be able to get him out of mine... but those are just words. That is all. Just words. Fancy words said to make me believe he truly cared for me.
I am sorry y'all.
I know this is more personal.
But it's late.
And my head is just randomly whirling.
And I just need to write. I haven't written (like really written) in a long long time.
Be warned. It's gonna be a long one.
I have come to terms with it.
I even realized I probably don't miss HIM so much as the memory of him. I miss what he was.
I would be stupid and naive to think that neither of us has changed or that we would be the same that we were.
So I have come to terms with the fact I long for the memories we had.
I don't even know what I would do if he were to walk up to me and start talking like we used to.
I'd like to think I would handle it well.
But I know me.
Life isn't a fairy tale.
It really is not.
As my mentor has recently told me, "Things don't work out for a reason and if they don't work out.. well don't get too upset by it."
And I am happy.
I have these amazing friends.
I have people I can call up and say "let's hang out" and we do.
I have people I can vent to.
I have people I can cook for. (Guy friends are notorious for eating)
We have dinner parties, movie parties, and all sorts of parties. Sometimes me and my friends have facebook stalking parties, or even those stupid fb quiz parties.
We have fun.
But sometimes. As I am falling asleep or just waking up, or even in the silence of my day (rarely anymore). He comes crashing into my mind. Something he said that relates to my day or even a look he gave me flashes through my mind. And I miss him.
I guess I just have to understand that he will always be a part of me and my story. He added a different light that I could have never imagined into my life. He added shading and abstract into this painting called life. He helped show me that I do indeed have a backbone, it's still there, and that I can in fact stand up for myself.
He was a a wonderful friend.
And I miss that.
But God has something planned.
For both of us.
For both of us.
I might never truly understand what it is... but... I do have Faith that God has a plan.
Do I need a boyfriend? No.
No I don't.
Don't think this is desperation.
It's me... being honest. Being real.
Does it bother me that I still miss him and all?
Oh my gosh. Yes.
Like so much.
Like so incredibly much.
If I had my way I wouldn't feel a thing about him.
But he once told me what makes me so special is that I am gentle hearted, that I am soft and caring. And to please not become too thick skinned or hard.
And I can't forget that.
I have tried.
But I can't.
So that got me thinking. How do I maintain this kindness that people see in me, this caring type gift that God has given me... and yet protect myself, protect my heart? And that... that is something I think I am still finding out.
I have gotten braver.
(Obviously, you read my horrid Apple Store Incident!)
So do I regret ever having met him and going on nightly four hour walks with him? No. Not at all.
In fact I really miss going on walks.
Like a lot.
I could really use a walk.
Walks are NOT as much fun alone.
They really are not.
I have tried time and time again.
Then I just stopped.
Do you know how MANY adventures are to be had in a small town when a walk is to be had?
Like for example, go to a park right before it closes, and hide in the furthest part of the trees. Then wait. As the security guard does his checking, stalk him. TALK ABOUT EXHILARATION! GOOD FRIJOLES!!!
Like stupid memories like that.
Isn't it annoying?!
And yet I can't help but wonder if he thinks about those things too?
And another thing that REALLY bothers me?
I am just going to lay it all out here.
The other day, I am sitting at work at the gym.
When his girlfriend's best friend comes walking through the wellness center. I can see her on the video cameras (when I am bored creeping is REALLY fun. You never know what people will do when they don't realize they are being watched.)
She gets to the doors to scan her id right outside of the gym I am and freezes when she sees me. Then she glares. I mean the meanest look you can imagine. Then she turns on her heel and walks back through the wellness center and leaves.
It's silly but that bothers me.
Why does she hate me so much?
It's not like I am dating him.
Her friend is dating him.
So why... on earth... is she so angry?
I would expect that if I were the one dating him.
But I am not.
So the questions remains, why?
Like I would expect a triumphant look, or a disdainful look, or even a smug look.
(Girls tend to do that)
But not angry.
So I cannot help but ponder that.
Like that literally has been bugging me for days.
And it shouldn't be.
Anyways, I teach my very first lesson in the classroom tomorrow, and need to sleep.
Thank you for listening.
You all are so wonderful.
Goodnight. And have a wonderful Monday!
Authors Note: When my mentor said that thing about the thing about things working out... it was not in regard to this topic at all. It was in regard to a COMPLETELY different topic.