I am 22 years old.
I started this when I was nineteen.
All my friends are getting married, having babies, and I am sitting here on my couch, with sharpies and soft pastels, and chips, and cookies, and a diet coke, and GOODNESS knows what else, (cardstock mostly) surrounding me.
I am just sitting here, doing last minute pull together for the lesson I am teaching tomorrow. Oh. And look. THERE IS AN ENTIRE BAG OF WARHEADS CANDIES!!!
(Seriously. Sometimes I wonder how I only weigh 110ish)
And I am sitting here. Drawing a game for a this book (that is also sitting here. (My couch is like the couch from the Big Comfy Couch... it's bigger on the inside. That is how I fit so much on it.)
I am sitting here.
There are 6 people in my Junior Block class who are not dating anyone. That means that there are 11 people who are married, engaged, or dating. And let me tell you... the majority falls in the married/engaged category.
And people forget how old I am.
"It's okay. They are seniors. They are graduating. You still have PLENTY of time."
Yeah. Uh-huh. Except I am older than most of them. A super senior. AND THANK GOD I AM GRADUATING IN THE SPRING!
And sadly. I am winning this bet I made with a friend my freshman year of college.
No ring by spring.
Because. Get this.
It is generally not that important to me.
I am here to get my degree (and not my MRS) but my bachelors of the arts, and I am here to become the best teacher that I can start out as and learn how to grow as a teacher.
Guys. That is why I am here.
But even though I have this education mindset on my shoulders. I am still a 22 year old female who sometimes CANNOT HELP wondering. "WHERE THE HECK IS MY HAPPILY EVER AFTER?!" (even though I know that is a silly notion.)
I want to get married.
I want to go on romantic dates.
I want to be told I am beautiful.
I want someone to hold my hand while we go on late night walks.
I want someone who will also go on daytime walks.
I want someone to adventure with.
I want someone who will kiss me to shut me up if I start nagging.
I want someone who will cook for me and with me.
I want someone.
I really really do.
I don't want to live my entire life single and alone.
But what if that is what ends up happening?
Granted I am not desperate enough to marry the first schmuck who takes me on a date. I have standards. I have reason. I have some sort of... something...
I mean, who is to say I will get married?
Who is to say I won't?
I just wish the poor chap would stumble into me already.
Would look at me and say. "Wow." (in a good way.)
Who would look at me and think "You know.. she is the perfect kind of weird."
I mean I look around and even the most socially ODD people have someone.
And I am over here, OBSESSING about my next lesson plan, my next dance class, costumes, music, choreography, work, my students, spanish, my schedule, and trying not to control everything myself because OBVIOUSLY I CANT! I actually have to THINK and TRY to keep myself God centered.
Kid me would be ASTOUNDED and HORRIFIED at that thought.
But I think, sadly, it is a very adult thing.
Adults.. we think we should know everything. and if we dont?
Fake it 'til you make it.
Well. You know what?
I am clueless about SO many things.
I wish I could put into words everything I feel right now.
I AM content with all that is happening in my life.
Like. I take a few steps back and see this amazing puzzle taking shape. I don't see much (I am only 22 you know.) but I do see more than I have before (cause this is the oldest I have ever been.). Guys. I am 22 and God has given me opportunity after opportunity to try my dream jobs.
Working at a mall
A job where I get to do HOMEWORK
Rock climbing ( I was ten when I thought it would be cool to work at a rock wall).
LIKE GOD HAS BEEN BLESSING ME SO MUCH! SO INCREDIBLY MUCH!!!!!
LIKE ITS AMAZING
and here I am. Selfish me. Fretting about my stupid marital status.
In comparison it is so small and insignificant.
It's there. This need to be a wife. To cook, clean, have babies someday.
I talk to God about it.
I tell him about recipes I have found. How my husband is just going to LOVE the fact that my steaks are AMAZING.
But you know what?
He knows that right now, it is what is on my mind along with lesson planning. And he listens, and he hears, and I am sure he finds some things very amusing.
And I think that is amazing.
Something so silly and insignificant and God still sits there during our chats and listens.
And he goes, "Here. Try out this dream. Here. This is something you have always wanted. You had to wait for this. You can wait a little longer for some other dreams."
And you know.
I had to wait 12 years to become a Spanish translator. There were tears of frustration while learning Spanish. There were days I felt I would never be able to understand the language or speak it or anything. And through those twelve years... God was preparing me for my very first translating job. He was shaping me moulding me.
And I think that is what he is doing now. While I wait patiently for God to go "This one Em." He is shaping me. Molding me. Guiding me. Giving me more chances to practise my cooking :)
And yeah I was sure I had found someone I was meant to be with. But as my mom told me. People make choices. And while God has a plan. He doesn't force us to follow it. He is a kind God. He does give us choices. And so am I heartbroken? Yes. Did it make me have second thoughts on a lot of things? Yes.
But those second thoughts didn't stay.
I KNOW based on the pattern of my life... that God is there. God is just shaping me more.
Same with becoming a ballet teacher. Same with learning to swing dance.
I mean guys.
When I was 14 I sort of just passingly said, "I am gonna learn that" and 4 years later, got to try it, and I got to do it FOR TWO WHOLE YEARS!
God has been teaching me to wait for so long.
And for some reason, I am antsy.
It's probably just the fact all my friends are getting married honestly.
I am going to meet this great guy. Who is going to be okay with my glitter, and art nights, and late night lesson planning, and the way I jump and dance when excited and do this weird singing thing.
Who will half willingly sit through me picking out music and tutu's because that is another 2 hours we get to be together, even if I get unnaturally excited about glitter and tulle. BUT the best part is maybe he will give me some input like "Seriously? THAT song?"
Who is going to surprise me by dancing with me to Michael Buble while we are making spaghetti on the stove (keeping to our own sides of course because everyone makes spaghetti different even though unless his sauce is AMAZING, he will always let me make the sauce). Or start a spatula lightsaber war with me.
And when I have moments of having stress paralysis, he is just going to hug me. Tell me it's okay, and probably start a tickle war. Then he is going to grab a pair of scissors and ask how he can help with whatever it is that I am making for my students.
Just like when he is stressed, I am going to make him my famous brownies, or cookies. And I will sit there and do my best to help with whatever it is he needs help with.
I know these are all just dreams. But why can't dreams be reality? Why can't I have true love better than the movies?
God has shown me that with patience, dreams do come true as long as I keep him in the center of them.
I am okay waiting for that.
I am excited to meet this crazy guy.
I am not going to settle for anything less than God has for me.
Because God does have someone for me.
Just like God has me for someone.
And when we meet, the world will never be the same for either of us.
And that will be an amazing day.
Until then. I guess I better finish all of this lesson planning... merh.
Have a wonderful night darling readers! (I am surprised you read it all!)