Apparently I have no faith in the male sex.
Apparently I don't have hope of ever falling in love.
All this, sadly, is probably true.
Do I want to have a marriage?
Do I want it to be amazing?
Do I want it to be a once in a lifetime ordeal?
I am secretly a huge romantic.
If you were to meet me in real life, I tend to put off this...
"I am a strong independent woman who don't need no man"
Sort of vibe.
At least that is what all these guys tell me.
"If you were more of this"
"If you would just do this"
And you know what.
I am me.
I am perfectly fine the way I am.
Short hair and all.
Don't try to change me.
Don't expect me to change who I am for you.
Don't expect me to swoon over you.
I might be a secret romantic...
But I will always act like me.
Two prime examples.
There were two times something I had only ever dreamed of happening, happened.
They were the sweetest, realest, most precious, and I may even dare to say romantic things that happened to me.
Most girls would have blushed, perhaps kissed the dude, or hugged him, or giggled cutely...
What do I do?
I get really awkward and do something weird.
The first story was a year and a half ago.
We were at a wedding.
He was in the wedding party and I was sitting in the back of the church waiting for the pictures to be taken.
Couples started to form around me and were being all gross and gushy.
So he came over.
I made a face that clearly said, "please save me.'
So what does he do?
He holds out his hand for me to take and says, "Come here."
I ask, "What?"
And he again says, "Just come here!"
Then when he pulls me out of the pew and into the aisle, he pulls me close and starts slow dancing with me. In the aisle of the church. There was disney music playing, but like just instrumental music. The song was, "So this is Love"
It was something I had only fantasized about.
And there he was, bright red (I was too), this Baptist, dancing with me in the sanctuary of a church, because he felt like being sweet. And even now. A year and a half later, thinking about it... I get these massive flock of butterflies. But what did I do? I didn't stand on my tiptoes to kiss him. I didn't lay my head on his chest (That was a later dance at the reception). I instead dared him to eat a flower petal off the ground. Except it was a fabric flour petal and not a real one... but he still ate it. Then he got a double high five from this dude named Thor.
Second piece of evidence.
This was just a few weeks ago.
We were standing nose to nose. He had picked me up and set me on the curb so we were almost the same height. I was drowning in his grey blue eyes (yes. This is the same guy.). We were eskimo kissing (where the noses are sort of... snuggling?) and then he kissed my forehead and then each cheek. Just like Mr. Darcy did at the end of the Kiera Knightly version of Pride and Prejudice. Again, it was something I had only fantasized about. And guys. They were the best kisses I have ever received. They were the sweetest and most pure kisses of my entire life. They made me feel like the most beautiful and wonderful person. They filled me with this hope. They were just perfect. Those three kisses might not have been on my lips, but they were more than I could have ever dreamed of. I think I had kissed him on the cheek before that.. so that was normal. But. After those three perfect kisses... what did I do? I didn't kiss him on the lips (which is just too logical). I didn't giggle cutely. NO. I licked his nose. Luckily he laughed and licked my nose back. BUT WHO DOES THAT?! I DO APPARENTLY?! WHAT WAS I THINKING?! (I wasn't. My brain had gone static from perfection.)
So. There you have it.
I am the awkwardest person in the entire history of forever.
I don't know how to be romantic.
I hope whoever I end up with this, can deal with me being super weird.
LICKING HIS NOSE THOUGH?!
YES I AM UPSET!
HIS LIPS WERE RIGHT THERE!
NOT EVEN AN INCH AWAY FROM MINE!
OH MY GOSH!