The kind where you have fallen in a dark pit and there seems to be no escape.
One kind that is not talked about is the hazy depression.
The kind where you feel like you are in a haze and can't always remember what happened earlier in the day.
The kind where you feel like your brain is congested.
I don't have a desperate depression where I hope for some sort of sweet release.
I feel like my life is going NO WHERE. That I am not good at ANYTHING. That what I am doing is stupid.
My life feels worthless. (Not in a suicidal way.)
Trust me when I say I do NOT want to die.
I have way too much to live for.
I am just tired of this stupid job.
I feel ancient.
I am 25 and I feel SO OLD.
I feel hazy and blurry and fuzzy and foggy.
The things I like are not interesting right now.
The food I love don't taste very good.
It makes me more sad and hazy.
There ARE a few moments that are crisp and real and refreshing.
I had one on Sunday.
We were at Carl and Dixie's house.
Carl is teaching us how to spin pottery.
We even get to use a kick wheel!
Let me describe the setting for you.
You drive out into the country.
The air is fresh and the sky seems a little bigger.
You pull up to a modern looking brick house with an older looking white farm house right next door.
Carl in Dixie live in the brick house.
The farm house was built in 1910 or 1920.
It was Dixie's house growing up.
There is an old chicken barn behind the farmhouse a little ways.
There are also two barns.
One old and one new.
In the old farmhouse is where Carl has his pottery stuff set up.
We go in there to spin pottery.
The inside of the house is a testament to the cleverness and space saving senses of the people before us.
It is a very nice house.
Other than the green shag carpet...
But our ancestors weren't perfect, so I will let that slide.
In front of the farmhouse a little ways away are flower bushes, and the a very large tree with a swing hanging down.
My husband and I were outside with Carl and Dixie.
They were in one of the sheds, so the male-whom-I-am-fond-of and I went over to the swing.
He sat down first.
Then I sat down on his lap and then we started swinging.
I heard Dixie, as they walked around a corner, "Aw! They are using our swing!"
She sounded so happy about it. And they just stood there watching.
So Zac and I decided to get off.
In the only way acceptable we jumped.
I jumped first (naturally) and boy, with our momentum and me timing it just right, I FLEW!
It was an impressive distance (like more than 5 feet) I flew, and I loved the rush.
Landing on the soft grass was nice too.
Much less painful than rocks or wood chips.
Those few moments on the swing and flying through the air were the crispest clearest most purest moments I have had in a while!
I had an emotional melt down today.
There is just too much going on and I am emotionally exhausted.
I came to school still sobbing.
(it was like that episode of Arthur where Francine was holding in her emotions and then her head popped off.)
So I asked if I could get first hour covered so I could become less of an overstuffed emotional jelly donut.
They complied.
I started hiding out in one teacher's room, but then a student showed up.
Then I ended up with another teacher, who is wonderful, always has been, in the teacher's lounge.
I told her that I was just emotionally drained and I felt like Francine when her head popped off.
She said she understood and that that was her a week or two ago.
I then told her that I am hella depressed, but not like in a "I hate my life" way, but more in a "Hazy foggy, nothing interests me" sort of way. I told her that I am trying to just "snap out of it"
And she goes, "You won't 'snap' out of it. You just will ease out of it. It will take time and that's okay. It will get better."
And it was just so nice to hear because a lot of people tell you to just "snap" out of it.
It does bother me though that everything is so hazy. That I don't seem to like anything or doing anything. I want to enjoy life. I want to see in vibrant color. I don't want to feel like nothing is real!
I love life. I love the life God has given me. I just don't like this depression part.