I have a disclaimer on this one: It's not mushy. It's not light hearted. It is a load of whatever that has been on my mind.
And I do realize I really try to filter.
All the time.
Even on here.
But you know what.
Something in me has decided that enough is enough.
And there may be no logical order in this post.
Bear with me.
I am sure by the end of it all.
Something in this will make sense.
First thing.
About a month ago my darling boyfriend gave an example of a real life couple. The husband in this couple stood up for his wife. His wife was distressed and crying and the husband stood up for her. Did his best to take care of the situation and to take care of her.
I am not going to lie.
I started crying.
I love my parents dearly.
But I could never see them doing this.
I just can't.
And it breaks my heart.
I wish my parent's had that relationship.
I wish they believed in that happy (but realistic) ending.
I wish they held hands and kissed more.
I wish they were cute and made gross sappy comments.
I wish they would talk more.
I wish I could tell one something and know the other would hear it too.
And it breaks my heart.
I love that my dad gets my mom flowers whenever he can.
I love that my dad admits his mistakes and tries to fix them.
I love that my dad never talks down about my mom.
That to me is love.
Because as I am falling in love with my boyfriend more and more.
I see all these things that love is.
I see all these things that love can become.
And...
It makes me so hopeful.
I know I look like this little cute fluffy ball of energy and cuddles and happiness and d'awwness.
But deep down.
I am a very serious person.
I love being my bouncy self.
I love being smiley and happy and carefree.
But I can be very serious.
And sometimes I feel inadequate.
I am working on that though
I am working on feeling like I am enough.
Granted, that doesn't mean I will stop growing or anything.
But I do want to be okay with the knowledge that I am doing the best I can and be okay with it.
And I know my thoughts are getting all jumbled.
They are all racing to the front of my brain hoping that I will release them.
And I am still trying to methodically choose what I want to say.
So here is a fun story while my brain organizes.
Yesterday me and Zac had this really fun competition.
We competed about productivity.
We had a point system and everything.
I totally creamed him.
But it was a lot of fun and we both got quite a bit done.
We are both very competitive people.
Like.
In a good way.
We have fun with it.
It's sorta how we met.
Kind of.
It definitely played a part.
Us being competitive, that is.
That is another thing.
I miss Zac.
I really enjoy seeing him.
I really enjoy spending time with him.
I like holding hands.
I like hugs.
I like the cuddles.
I like getting to actually SEE his face.
I do like the phone calls though.
I like playing the games through facebook messenger.
I like reading a funny/cute text while at work.
Mostly.
I just really like Zac.
School is going pretty good.
Dance closed.
A bit bummed about that.
But you know.
It's whatever.
It's okay.
It just... ballet.
That is all.
It's not like I NEED to dance...
I just enjoy it.
That's all.
Okay.
I am actually kind of devastated.
But I mean.
I have to move on sometime right?
Don't get me wrong.
I am going to call up the other studios
See if they need a teacher.
But.
If they say no.
It's alright.
It's okay.
It means it is time to let that go.
No more pointe shoes.
No more hairspray.
No more tutu's
No more choreography.
Just.
Adult hood.
Which has other adventures and perks about it.
And it will be okay.
It will be alright.
It's time for me to grow up and move on.
No more dance.
And it's okay.
Everything is going to be okay.
Of course it will.
School will be good.
Life will be good.
And I realized today that I had received a laptop for each graduation as a present and had to give them both up. Which is fine.
But being told at some point or another that I think about myself too much?!
If I thought about myself I would have held onto them. Because I needed them.
And I know this is petty.
But it bothers me.
And I sit here.
And I tell myself that I should not be bothered by stuff in the past.
That i need to get over it.
That I had a great childhood.
And I did.
So then why the heck do things bother me?!
Why?!
They aren't even important anymore!
Like the laptops.
I have a job.
I can buy a new one.
My boyfriend thinks I am beautiful. So why should it matter if my mom thinks I am getting "flabby."
Hmm?!
Why?!
And why am I thinking about that anyways?!
Why?!
There is literally no point in thinking about that.
There is literally no reason to be thinking that.
And i know this is a long and confusing post.
I am sorry.
But.
To move forward in life.
I have to let go of a lot of things.
And I am working on it.
God is working on it too.
So I know he will shape me as he wants me.