The students are great and I have even gotten to "run" the classroom because my teacher was out and needed a sub. So I got to be in charge and try things and it was amazing. TERRIFYING but amazing. It reminded me why I have been putting all this effort into the wild and crazy major.
I even get to use my accents and voices.
Now on a more serious note.
I am pretty upset.
Because I got to thinking and wondering and musing out loud. And over the course of my dating life... my mother has come up with this theory. And this theory makes me angry.
See my first boyfriend liked to change the story of what happened, also pretty sure he started rumors and gave me a bad wrap to people. (I mean I did break his heart and all) And starting from that point my mother came up with this theory that guys... Guys have this thought "If I can't have her no one will" or it has even evolved into "I don't want to date her but I don't want anyone else to have her." Which I thought, "Pfft. That is ridiculous. No one would ever do that mom."
I am learning perhaps she is not far off.
There was one guy who got mad because I ran away when he tried to kiss me. (My prerogative). So he started to tell people that I am a "narcissistic [insert "b" word here] who is egotistical and makes the world revolve around her. She doesn't actually care about her friends."
That really hurt.
Because he doesn't even know me.
And I do care about my friends.
I don't even LIKE the guy.
And it hurt.
He told my bestfriend (who had dated him for a time until he broke up with her) that she was just too much of an emotional wreck.
That doesn't fly with me.
Then one day I realized. There was this guy I was interested in. He had even gotten into the habit of walking me home. Talked to my first boyfriend. Guess who SUDDENLY and INEXPLICABLY lost interest in me?
There was another guy. Who also I was slightly interested in. He too would walk me home, joke around sarcastically, we would chat. It was great. He stopped coming around. In fact when I worked the rockwall he would check and see if I was working and if I was, he would decide not to climb. "not that I am avoiding you or anything Emilie." HA! Like I believe that. Found out later, he became good friends with someone I had had an "ordeal" or "Fiasco" with. But he also knew my first ex. So. There is that.
What was said that would make a person just not even want to be around you at all.
Because, guys, that really hurts.
That really hurts.
Especially because the guy who you had had the "ordeal" with. You trusted him. You expected more.
Now these are all just speculations.
I have no cold hard proof.
All I have is the observation and a hunch.
I am not going to let this RUIN my life.
I am just angry at the moment.
And there was another instance too.
But it doesn't matter.
Because someone is going to come around who hears those rumours but still gets to know me anyways. (this is a real struggle guys)
I just hate... hate thinking this. And I really hope none of it is true.
Because then you start to think about these people.
You start to think of things they said to you and it makes you angry, especially if you remember the weird things they said like, "You might not be the most beautiful girl in the world, but you do look nice.'
Yes. I have been told that.
That is the most BACKHANDED compliment ever. By someone I cared deeply for and trusted.
When you start thinking of how sweet they were and you are like, "Wow. All that. Was all that a lie?" and then it becomes harder to believe it when a guy tells you, "Gosh. You are gorgeous." or "Your eyes are so beautiful." or "You are adorable." Like. I have been called that lately and just don't know how to take it.
And you can't help but be angry.
I worked so hard to not be angry or upset.
And yet. Here I am. Angry and upset. And you get to thinking..
The people you get the angriest at (in general) are people you trusted and cared for who broke that.
Now the guy who said I was egotistical. I didn't care for. Nope. But I am still angry because HE HAS NO RIGHT.
It's not a happy morning update. But I am sorry.
I am really upset.
And I am upset with myself.
I hope you have a wonderful day.