Why you might be wondering. Because, this was supposed to be something that held fun stories and thoughts. But lately this has been a place where I have winged and complained and tried to have deep deep thoughts. But lately. Things have been so up and down... I just dont know anymore. I have been so happy.. Then BOOM I crash. And I havent learned how to stick the landing yet... so the crashes usually turn into face plants. I also have this bad habit of beating myself up for stuff I feel like I should be able to control better. For little mistakes, and big mistakes alike. Honestly. Sometimes I feel like people dont need to be so critical of me, I am hard enough on myself to compensate for the both of us! LIke right now. I was having a happy exciting and very very blessed weekend. And what do I do... I screw it up. That is what. Typical Emilie mess up.
Do you ever feel like you just need some time to breathe. Some time that you can guilt free breathe and wont start hyperventilating cause you realize just how much you have to do! Yeah.. me too!
And to be honest. I dont fully understand why I screwed up. I really dont. I just know that I did. I cant take back what I did. (sorry for being all mysterious about it.} And yeah. It hurts. It didnt when I screwed up. but now it does. Thats the way it always goes. It doesnt hurt until it hits me what I have done.
I wish I could cry. But I have trained myself not to. And I hate crying anyways. It makes me feel weak and needy and very vulnerable.
I wish I could take this whole year back. There is so much I would differently. Oh so much. And yet, so much good has come from so much hurt, and mess ups and shame. Even through it all... God is still good.