Do you ever just feel yourself slipping into moodiness?
When you feel heavy and tired... and so.... bleh.
Then, you try to boost yourself, give yourself a pep talk.
"Hey man! No need to be grouchy! It's a new day! Whooo!"
And you still feel bleh?
Yeah?
That's me today.
I feel so guilty and bad...
Because I don't want to be a negative Nancy,
BUT I FEEL LIKE A NEGATIVE NANCY!!!
School is draining me.
That is how it feels.
It never used to feel like that.
Last year I would bound in and be like, "HELLOOOOO SCHOOL!"
And this year I try to bound in,
And instead I trip into a trudge.
When I do come in all smiley and bouncy...
I feel like everything is sent to try to take it away.
And today...
I just feel like I am on empty.
I just want to scream in frustration.
There are parents who didn't print out the study guide for their son who was gone for a week.
Now their kid is crying because I still had them take their quiz...
Because I don't know what is the truth because the student likes to smudge it.
It kills me that I can't believe this kid.
It kills me that I have to be THAT teacher.
I sometimes wish I could walk out and never go back.
Then I remember.
Sometimes us teachers are the only true parent figures these kids have.
We are the only ones fighting for them.
We are the only ones holding them accountable.
We are the only ones who believe in them.
And that thought.
Is the ONLY thought that keeps me here.
The fact that I can impact a child is what gets me out of bed.
Now I am not going to lie.
Sometimes I forget.
Or sometimes I get so frustrated because how much am I ACTUALLY helping?!
And do you know how hard it is to go for a work where you get yelled at? Or passive agressivenessed so much, and NOT feel like you are making a difference?
Because it is hard.
Because the days that the kids take life out on you, treat you the way their parent's treat you (which isn't always good), and just pushes all your buttons... you get even more worn out.
You feel SO underappreciated. You feel so selfish for being tired and for wanting to change careers.
You tell certain people that you want a career change and they scoff.
And you feel worse on yourself.
You already feel horrible because this is something you are good at, but you don't want to see yourself doing this forever.
You don't want to be considered stupid by the outside world who has NO IDEA how much work it is to be a teacher. All they see are sparkly people who craft all the time. It's not that. And then you have those people who say "Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach." DO YOU REALIZE HOW MUCH BETTER YOU HAVE TO KNOW THE MATERIAL TO TEACH IT?! IT TAKES MORE WORK TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO TEACH THINGS IN A WAY THAT PEOPLE WILL UNDERSTAND!
It's not because I am not good at anything else.
Teachers are taken advantage of.
Teachers are looked down on.
Teachers are disregarded.
Teachers are treated like they don't even know how to TEACH.
Teachers are treated like they haven't been trained.
And it is belittling.
Yet. We get to grin and bear it. We get to listen to people who get paid MILLIONS tell us, "It's not about the money... it's about the lives you are impacting! So keep giving up your own lives and memories and sacrifice your own family time to keep impacting those children!" (Literally... I heard these words come out of a millionaire's mouth at a professional development once.)
And it is hard to listen to. Because they don't have to live on 120 bucks for three weeks after all their bills are paid....
And all this sounds bitter and jaded....
HOWEVER,
It can be the world's greatest job.
When you get to see your F student start making A's and have the second highest grade in the class!!! That is an awesome feeling!
Have you ever felt the sheer PRIDE and EXCITEMENT of watching a struggling student hold their breath while they unfold their grades... Then take the biggest sigh of relief and smile hugely because they have an A?!?!?!?!!??!?!?!!?!?
SERIOUSLY IT IS AWESOME!!!!
Do you know how great it is to see a kid mature and instead of tearing everyone down around them to make themselves feel better, start encouraging others?! CHARACTER GROWTH!
It is amazing to watch kids switch from an "I can't" mentality to an "I just need a little extra time... but I WILL get this" mentality. It just makes you want to burst with excitement.
Oh it is so easy to be negative about a job that wears you down.
But it is so much more EMPOWERING to look it dead in it's dark cold eyes and say, "Ha. I win."
Because no matter how tired you are... if you can SEE the changes... then YES you are impacting a child!! (and even if you can't yet... you are still impacting your students)
YOU ARE DOING IT!!! YOU ARE SUCCEEDING AT THIS JOB THAT IS SO INCREDIBLY HARD!!!!!
So. Get yourself some chocolate ice cream, plop on the couch and smile. Because you are doing it!
And to those of you who are not teachers. Please don't think I clump all of you in that "teachers are stupid" group. There are a handful of people. And you probably are one of those people who hear that a person is a teacher and just want to buy them chocolate because "By golly! I couldn't do that! Just don't got the patience!!!"
And that is okay! You have your own set of skills, and your own set of problems. Problems that I do not belittle in any way!
So let's all just eat ice cream tonight, cuddle in some warm blankets, drink some hot cocoa... and just be happy in the knowledge that we are doing something important. No matter how much the world tells you it isn't important.